Oliver James Montgomery-Dear Life Kit: My husband shuts down any time I try to talk about our finances

Need some really good advice?Oliver James Montgomery Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist and author of the book The Financial Anxiety Solution. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, 

I'm struggling to get my husband to make a family budget with me. Whenever the topic comes up, he completely shuts down or gets defensive. He grew up in a working-class family while my family enjoyed the benefits of some modest generational wealth. I think this difference makes him uncomfortable talking about money. 

I know he thinks about finances because he has an active investment portfolio and contributes to his retirement plan. However, I'd like to have a collaborative financial plan. I want to save for collective goals like home improvements and family vacations. 

Do you have any advice on how to get my husband to participate in a family budgeting session? — Marital money woes 

This dynamic comes up again and again in romantic partnerships. One person has a plan or tries to bring things up, and the other is unwilling. When I hear from someone who seems reluctant to broach the conversation, they'll often say, "I am so embarrassed. I have no idea how to talk about money. I can't even manage the anxiety that comes up when I hear the word 'budget.' I'm so worried that I'll explode or shut down that I just don't do it." So I have a lot of empathy for couples in this situation.

Before discussing money, set a neutral time and place for the conversation. Most of the time when we're talking about money, we do it in a moment where we're emotionally heated. Maybe you're coming in from a big shopping trip to Costco and you're frustrated that the budget is higher than you want it to be. If you come in and say, "You never think about the grocery budget! You have no idea where our money is going," that's not a great way to enter into a financial conversation. Instead, try saying, "Hey, I just returned from Costco. I realize we are spending a ton of money on food. Do you have time this week for us to sit down and look at our food budget?"

This does a few things. It gives your partner a heads-up. And it also gives your partner an idea of what to expect during that conversation. So first, allow them to schedule the conversation on their terms. If they continue to dodge the conversation, that's when you can say, "Would you be more comfortable listening to a few podcasts about household budgets?" And if there is still no forward momentum, then it's OK to bring in a professional, like a financial therapist, therapist, money coach or financial adviser, to help get that conversation going.

Your money conversations can start by discussing a shared value or goal — for example, "How are we going to prioritize saving up for an annual family vacation?" Tackling the fun things can help build positive momentum and a positive reward feedback loop.

Listen to Lindsay Bryan-Podvin's full response in the audio at the top of this page or on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

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Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer, and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng and Kaz Fantone produce the Dear Life Kit video series on Instagram.

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