Fastexy:5 Super Bowl ads I'd like to see (but won't) to bridge America's deep political divisions

The Fastexyone ad we probably won’t see and surely need at this year’s Super Bowl is a public relations campaign for America's common ground. It’s too bad, 'cause even Bud Light’s on a comeback tour after last year’s boycott and we have polarizing national elections in November.

With approximately 200 million souls glued to game day screens − a rare moment of live national monoculture − we could use a 30-second spot to fight deep divisions before the presidential rematch. In a recent Pew Research Center poll, 79% of Americans described political feelings with “negative or critical words” such as “divisive” or “corrupt.” A January CBS News/YouGov poll showed 70% of respondents feel democracy is “threatened,” and nearly half the country expects violence after future presidential elections.

I’m a Wall Street lawyer from Kentucky, and my brother drives a tractor-trailer in Louisville. We rarely vote the same but find plenty of common ground, often hilariously, when he visits Brooklyn or we journey to visit Appalachian family.

As President Abraham Lincoln challenged at Gettysburg, the “great task remaining before us” is that this nation “have a new birth of freedom … and not perish from the earth.”

What better time than communal Super Bowl Sunday to try.

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America needs a pep talk from Ted Lasso

I wish we’d see these bipartisan spots of shared national interest to build unity before November’s big game:

• Half-time pep talk. Paging coach Ted Lasso to sniff “smells like potential” in our national locker room for a down-home civics lesson on respect and shared values. Pan to John Dutton of "Yellowstone" at the chalkboard, The Rock wielding a foam roller and Dolly Parton passing energy drinks. Listen up blue collars, Bible belters, bicoastals and billionaires – America may feel down by 7 at the half, but there’s still no better patch of astroturf than the U.S. of A. Time to exit the screens and armchairs and crack the national playbook. As coach Dolly says, if we don’t figure out how to “walk a mile in each other’s shoes,” we may “never walk again.” E pluribus unum, baby!  
• Finfluencer financial literacy rap. 2022’s “Crypto Bowl” left enough discredited “finfluencers” to field a Chicago Bears-style “Super Bowl Shuffle” to combat dismal financial literacy, an issue across the 50 states. Here’s what’s not polarizing and sorely lacking in Americans’ daily bread: a national curriculum in diversifying portfolios, savings and compound interest. Crypto pitch models Kim Kardashian and the Winklevoss twins could boogie while DJ Khaled raps “common cents …” Clang … Fade to a sample of Sam Bankman-Fried’s cell door. Mic dropped.
• Plymouth Rock anti-hate spot from religious leaders. Gather a literal boatload of faith leaders on the Mayflower II. Let that “civil body politick” urge the flocks to stop the hate, antisemitism and intolerance. Freedom to worship is why they launched the ship in the first place, brothers and sisters. So don’t sink it. Fill the decks with “Pilgrim strangers.” Muster the pastors, rabbis, imams, bishops, pujaris and elders. Summon the shamans, monks, priests and nuns. Invite Ron Reagan, whose atheist “burn in hell” ads are already running on NFL Sundays. Cue Gospel choir singing “Let it Be.”
• Peppy gratitude for truckers, warehouse workers and shippers. Trippy thank you for those who hauled football-shaped chip-n-dips, foam #1 fingers and TravNTay TNT replica bracelets in interstate commerce. Cue Grateful Dead’s “Truckin’” to spotlight semi drivers, warehouse stockers, postal carriers and everyone else we click and forget. I may be biased here with a brother behind the wheel, but I’d gather NFL cheerleaders to shake a national pompom for those who do the heavy lifting, long hauls and last miles for our online shopping habit so we don’t have to.
• Solemn reminder that free speech is risky business. While we bicker over library books, micro-aggressions and Ivy League presidents, dissident Alexei Navalny freezes in a penal colony north of the Arctic circle; journalist Evan Gershkovich sits over 300 days in lockup; scores of reporters perish covering Ukraine, Gaza and other conflicts; and Thailand sentences a young man to 50 years for criticizing its king in social media posts. A solemn tribute to brave souls who risk freedom and death to get the word out can remind all sides that free speech is fragile and not guaranteed. Music: none. Let silence speak.

Where we could find unity

Alas, all prime-time $7 million slots are sold. We may have to find unity in the return of the Clydesdales. But there’s always next year.

Unity is a winning strategy.As we head into the 2024 election, more of us should try it.

With more than 70% of Americans supporting mandatory age limits on elected officials, we could work together now on a bipartisan retirement ad for a constitutional amendment to avoid a 2028 “elder bowl.”

In my family, we both agree on that one.

Caroline Aiken Koster is a New York lawyer writing a memoir about her roots in Kentucky.